Do you feel like the little child who used to be clingy to you and listen to everything you say has suddenly changed? Does he get angry at everything, stays in his room and closes the door, is all about friends, and doesn't listen to what you say? Don't worry. This is something that many parents experience. Your child has now finished childhood and has reached a very important milestone on the journey to adulthood. We call this "adolescence". If we are well aware of the changes that occur during this period, we can make this journey easier for the child as well as for you.
Simply put, what is adolescence?
Adolescence is a time of transition between childhood and adulthood. During this time, your child's body, brain, emotions, and social relationships undergo many changes. These changes can sometimes be rapid. The pace of these changes varies from child to child. This can be an exciting and challenging time for your child. It is during this time that your child gradually begins to become independent from you and discover who they are.
The biggest physical changes
We call the changes that occur in a child's body during adolescence ``Puberty.`` These physical changes are caused by certain hormones produced by the child's brain during this time.
During this time, the child suddenly grows taller and bigger. We call this `(Growth Spurt)`. Also, sweating increases, acne appears, and body hair (armpits, private areas) grows. Usually, this growth spurt in girls happens earlier than in boys. Girls grow faster between the ages of 10-14, while boys grow taller most of the time between the ages of 14-17.
Let's look at these main differences in a table.
| Girls | Boys |
|---|---|
| Breast development begins (usually between 10-14 years of age) | The testicles and penis enlarge in size. |
| The first menstruation (menstruation) occurs (usually about 2 years after breast development). | Erections and ejaculations begin. |
| Body shape changes (such as wider hips). | The voice becomes hoarse, a beard and chest hair grow. |
Remember, although these changes happen to everyone, the timing and order in which they occur vary from child to child. Some children reach puberty early, while others reach puberty late. Both of these can cause stress for the child, as they may feel like they are standing out from their peers.
If puberty starts very early (before age 8 for girls, before age 9 for boys) or very late (if a girl doesn't have symptoms by age 14, if a boy doesn't have symptoms by age 15), be sure to see your doctor. Ignoring these conditions can affect your child's bone development and height.
Cognitive changes that occur inside the brain
During adolescence, a child's brain develops at a much higher rate than during childhood. When a child is young, they can only think about things they can see and touch. That is, they can only think about "Here's how it looks."
But as they reach adolescence, children begin to think beyond that. They are able to think in deeper, more nuanced ways, such as "What if this doesn't happen?" and "Why do these things happen this way?" (Abstract Thinking). That is, they understand that there may be a truth beyond what they see. However, there are still times when they are in a position where they say, "What I think is right."
Why are they suddenly doing risky work?
This is because the front part of a child's brain, the ``Frontal Cortex`` , is the last to fully develop. It takes about 25 years for this part to fully mature.
This part of the brain controls our executive functions . Simply put:
- Planning
- Prioritizing what is important
- Impulse Control
Because this part is still developing, your child may sometimes be tempted to act without thinking, take risks (e.g., riding a bike with friends, trying things they don't know) , and experience frequent mood swings .
When a teenager acts on impulse without using this frontal part of the brain, it is called ``Hot Cognition``. Making decisions based on emotions. However, making decisions based on logic and reflection is called ``Cold Cognition``. Parents can help their child move from this ``Hot Cognition`` to ``Cold Cognition``. Instead of lecturing, listen to what the child has to say with compassion, ask questions, and encourage them to think.
Emotional and Social Changes
During this time, children learn to understand and manage their own emotions as well as those of others. They begin to discover their own abilities and qualities. Some children happily accept these new challenges. But others may need more help from you to build self-confidence.
How is self-esteem built?
These changes in the body, hormones, and emotions directly affect a child's self-esteem. They may feel ashamed of their bodies as they reach puberty, either earlier or later than their peers. "Not being an outcast among friends" is very important for them at this time.
The role of parents is very important here. Rather than being a ``Helicopter Parent`` who runs to catch the child wherever he falls, or a ``Snowplow Parent`` who removes every obstacle in the child's path, it is best to be a ``Lighthouse Parent`` . That is, giving the child the freedom to make their own decisions and explore the world while setting boundaries for safety and morality.
This is how a child builds their self-esteem:
- Made mistakes.
- Learning from those mistakes.
- Taking responsibility for their own actions.
The journey of finding who you are and society
The biggest thing a child does during adolescence is to find their identity. Although this journey is truly a lifelong one, it begins at this time. Along with this search for identity comes the struggle for independence . You may see these things:
- Showing interest in the opposite sex and romantic relationships.
- They are less likely to ask you for help when they have a problem.
- Spending less time with yourself and more time with friends.
- Sometimes, conditions like anxiety, sadness, and depression can occur. These can disrupt schoolwork and lead to risky behaviors.
What is the impact of social media?
The impact of social media on today's teenagers is no small feat. There are both good and very bad aspects to this.
- Cyberbullying: Humiliation and insults from others over the internet.
- Comparison: Comparing one's life to the "perfect" lives of others on Instagram and TikTok and becoming disappointed in oneself.
- Inappropriate content: Exposure to age-inappropriate, violent content.
- Loss of real social skills: Talking online is not the same as talking face to face. The ability to understand facial expressions and body language decreases.
All of this can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression in the child.
Right and wrong and moral changes
During this time, the child's perspective on the world deepens. They understand that not every decision is "black or white." They begin to wonder why other people make different decisions than they do, which develops empathy . They gain a deeper understanding of why the world has rules. They develop their own opinions about what is right and what is wrong. At this time, they may also begin to think deeply about religion. Whenever you get the chance, talk to your child about these topics. As you learn about how your child thinks, share your own ideas.
What can you do as a parent?
Adolescence can be a difficult time for both you and your child. But if you both try to understand each other, you can prevent your home from becoming a war zone. Here are some tips to help you:
- Listen carefully: When your child is talking to you, put aside what you are doing (looking at your phone, watching TV) for a moment and give your full attention to what your child is saying.
- Stay calm: Listen to what your child is saying, and let him know that you understand. Even if his behavior is wrong, try to understand how he feels.
- Speak with respect: Speak to your child politely and kindly, just as you would to a stranger. The tone of your voice sets the tone for the entire conversation.
- Don't close any topic: Give your child the confidence that they can talk to you about anything. Be an "Open/Approachable" Parent.
- Don't embarrass your child: Don't laugh at questions or comments that you think are childish. Instead, listen to their ideas and express yours honestly.
- Help build self-confidence: Praise your child's efforts. Encourage them to participate in activities they enjoy (not that you enjoy). We often forget the good things a child does and focus on the bad things. When your child sees something good, praise it and encourage them to do more of the same.
- Let them challenge your opinions: It's normal for children to challenge your opinions and the way you do things. To develop their own identity, they need to learn to think independently of you.
A little advice for children
If there is a teenager reading this article, I have something to say to you too:
- Don't look at your parents as enemies: they love you very much. Even if you don't agree with the way they show it, they probably think it's for your best interest.
- Understand them too: Try to understand that your parents are also normal people with their own problems, needs, and feelings.
- Share your feelings: It's easier for them to understand you if you tell them what you're thinking.
- Fulfill your responsibilities: If you fulfill your responsibilities at home and school, your parents will not think twice about giving you the freedom you desire.
- Treat your parents with respect: Treat your parents with the same respect and kindness that you would treat your friends' parents.
Adolescence is an exciting and stressful time as your child transitions into adulthood. These changes happen so quickly, and sometimes the journey is not smooth. From physical changes to emotional changes, the best thing you can do is support them and be there for them as they discover who they are and their place in the world.
Take-Home Message
- Adolescence is a normal period of transition from childhood to adulthood, during which major physical, mental, and social changes occur.
- Risky behavior and mood swings are common because the frontal cortex of a child's brain is not fully developed.
- The role of parents is not to remove all obstacles from the child, but to be a guiding "lighthouse" pointing out safe boundaries.
- It is very important to maintain open communication with the child and listen to them with respect.
- If your child's puberty is unusually early or late, or if your child seems to be suffering from excessive anxiety or depression, consult your doctor immediately.
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