Roshan (age 35) and his wife Dinusha (age 32) came to my clinic for a routine medical check-up last Thursday. They were both in a state of intense silence. I could tell there was a clear cold war going on between them.
When I asked them about their family life, Roshan said: "Dr. Priya, after the birth of our second child, our married life has become just a mechanical list. Due to financial problems and children's work, we don't have time to show love for each other. We fight all the time." Dinusha agreed, saying, "I don't get any support from Roshan, Doctor, he always finds fault with me."
I calmed them down and explained: "Roshan and Dinusha, many people think that a marriage should be successful on auto-pilot. But a truly successful marriage is something that requires continuous commitment and communication. There are 3 main pillars of a marriage: Love , Respect , and Responsibility . Today, let's talk about what are the common problems that arise in married life and how to successfully manage them psychologically."
đ¨ Red Flags that require immediate professional/psychological support
It is normal to have disagreements in married life. However, if the following symptoms arise, you should immediately consult a marriage counselor or psychiatrist:
- The presence of any form of physical, verbal or psychological abuse (Domestic Abuse / Violence).
- Attempts by one partner to completely control the other's finances or personal freedom (Coercive Control).
- A partner suffering from persistent severe depression or suicidal thoughts due to family problems.
- Stonewalling is when one party completely avoids communication when trying to discuss an issue.
Common reasons for marital breakdown
- Selfishness: Thinking only about one's own needs and ignoring the feelings of one's partner.
- Poor Communication: Not talking openly with each other and keeping problems bottled up inside and then exploding.
- Financial Stress: Failure to properly plan family expenses and income.
- Addiction to alcohol or gambling: A factor that completely destroys the family's finances as well as its mental peace.
- Immaturity: Behaving like a child, not understanding the responsibilities and challenges that come with marriage.
- Fault Finding: Constantly criticizing only the mistakes of your partner without appreciating the good things they do.
Positive steps to a successful marriage
Positive guidelines that can be followed psychologically to make marriage successful are as follows:
1.Know Yourself: The more you understand your own feelings and weaknesses, the better you can understand your partner's feelings.
2. Establish common goals and hobbies: Set aside time at least once a week for activities that you can both do together (e.g., walking together, common hobbies).
3. Expressing love even after marriage: Don't let the romantic bond fade after marriage. Give small gifts, express affection, and go on date nights together.
4. Forgiveness: Instead of constantly bringing up mistakes and fighting, try to sincerely forgive and make amends.
Comparing positive communication in marriage
| Failed communication (run away) | Positive communication (get used to it) |
|---|---|
| Blaming: "You're the reason for all these problems!" | Expressing feelings: "I'm very worried about this problem. How can we solve this?" |
| Silent Treatment: Avoiding talking for days. | Request for time: "I'm not calm enough to talk right now, can we talk about this tomorrow morning?" |
| Reminiscing about the past: Bringing up all the old mistakes during a fight. | Limiting yourself to the current problem: Focusing only on the current problem and finding solutions. |
| Not listening: Staring at the phone or interrupting while the partner is talking. | Active Listening: Paying full attention to what your partner is saying and trying to understand the issue from their perspective. |
Do's & Don'ts
| âī¸ Things to do (Do) | â Don'ts |
|---|---|
| Give your partner the respect and care you expect from them first. | Avoid talking down to or criticizing your partner in front of others. |
| Seek medical advice on proper family planning methods before starting a family. | Don't completely forget about the romantic bond in your marriage after having children. |
| Set aside a special quiet time at least once a week to talk freely, just the two of you. | Don't just keep hoping that your partner will change and fulfill all your needs. |
â Some other questions you may have (FAQ)
Why is professional counseling important for marital problems? âŧ
During marriage counseling, both parties have the opportunity to discuss their problems in the presence of an impartial third party (a counselor), and are taught practical methods for resolving problems and communicating positively.
How does depression affect marriage? âŧ
When a partner is depressed, he/she may withdraw from family responsibilities, become irritable or apathetic. This is not the partner's fault but a medical condition that needs to be considered and treated, so you should consult a general practitioner (GP) or psychiatrist.
Is physical attraction alone enough for a true bond in marriage? âŧ
No. While physical attraction and sex life are important, what a long-term, successful marriage requires is emotional bonding, such as mutual respect, listening to each other's ideas, and standing together through life's challenges.
How to control fault finding in practice? âŧ
You can control the habit of finding fault by setting aside a quiet time once a week, listing the behaviors you would like to change in each other and the help you would expect from the other, and discussing them without anger.
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