Sometimes in our lives we have to face things that we never expected, right? Maybe it's the loss of someone we love. Or it could be something like the breaking of a dream, the loss of a job, the breakup of a close relationship. That intense pain, that emptiness, that sadness we feel at times like these is what we simply call 'Grief' . It's a very complex and very personal experience. But we all face this experience at some point, somehow. So, let's talk a little about this?
What is Grief?
Simply put, grief is the way we deal with and cope with a loss . We often think of grief as the painful period that follows the death of a loved one. But that's not true. Grief can be caused by any event that challenges our identity and makes it impossible to function normally in our lives. This includes the loss of relationships that define us.
Imagine, you might feel sad if you lost things like these:
- Your friend, family member, partner, or beloved pet.
- A marriage, friendship, or other significant relationship.
- Your home, the region where you live, or your community.
- Your job or career.
- Economic stability.
- A dream you had or a goal you wanted to achieve.
- Good health.
- Your youth.
- Fertility (ability to have children).
Sometimes, as one prepares for death, one may also feel sad about the loss of one's own life. For example, someone suffering from a terminal illness may feel very sad that they will no longer have time to do the things they wanted to do or achieve.
Stages of Grief - Do we understand these?
An expert named Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes these five stages of grief in her book "On Death and Dying." Although the book was published in 1969, it remains one of the most widely recognized sources for understanding the grieving process. She interviewed more than 200 dying patients to write the book. Through those conversations, she identified five common stages that people who are facing death experience.
Although Kübler-Ross's study focused on the grief of the dying, many people also use these stages to understand grief caused by various types of loss. But here's an important point : These stages are not a set of mandatory steps that everyone must go through, and they don't have to happen in any particular order. Some people may not experience some of these stages at all.
These stages are:
1. Denial: Feelings like, "This can't be true," "This can't happen to me." It's hard to accept the loss as real.
2. Anger: A feeling of anger, "Why did this happen to me?" This anger can be directed at those who couldn't save the person you loved, at God, at yourself, or at no one at all.
3. Bargaining: Thinking things like, "If I had done this, this wouldn't have happened?", trying to reach a deal that would save the loss. Regrets about what one has done, like, "If only I hadn't done that...", may also arise.
4. Depression: Feeling very sad, hopeless, and lonely. Losing interest in anything and feeling disconnected from everything. This can come with a lot of complex emotions associated with depression .
5. Acceptance: Over time, even though the pain is still there, you come to accept that the loss is a reality. You come to a point where you say, "What happened happened, now I have to live with it somehow."
Remember, these stages don't come to everyone in the same way or in the same order. Some people may skip some of these stages, and some may jump back and forth. That's very normal.
Are there different types of grief?
Yes, there are many ways to experience grief. These different types speak to how diverse and complex grief is.
Anticipatory grief
This is when you start to grieve before the actual loss occurs. For example, when you learn that you or someone you love has a terminal illness, you may start to feel grief even before the person is gone. By processing grief in this way, you can be prepared to deal with the loss when it actually happens. However, don't let this kind of grief get in the way of enjoying the precious time you have.
Abbreviated grief
Sometimes, you can move through the grieving process quickly. This is called short-term grief. This can also happen after the previously mentioned `anticipatory grief`. That is, because you have been grieving and preparing for the loss since before the loss, the grief fades quickly when the loss actually happens. Just because the grief fades quickly doesn't mean you didn't love the person you lost. We all have different time frames when it comes to grief.
Delayed grief
Instead of feeling the emotions associated with a loss immediately, you start to feel them days, weeks, or even months later. Think about it: when someone dies in an accident, you may be very busy with funeral arrangements, legal matters, etc. Then, either because of the shock or because of this busyness, your body may not have time to process those emotions. It is only after everything is over that you start to feel the pain.
Inhibited grief
This is about suppressing your emotions. In fact, many of us have never learned to recognize or manage the complex emotions that come with grief. Therefore, many people who suppress their emotions don't even realize they're doing it. Unfortunately, when you don't allow yourself to feel those emotions, that sadness can manifest itself in physical symptoms like stomach upset, insomnia, and anxiety, but sometimes even panic attacks.
Cumulative grief
This involves facing multiple losses at the same time. For example, imagine someone losing a child, and along with that grief, their marriage also breaks up. Then that person is struggling with two sorrows at once. Grieving multiple losses at once is very difficult, and it can also be unexpectedly complicated.
Collective grief
While we often think of grief as a personal thing, there are times when we grieve as a group, as a society. Wars, natural disasters (such as floods, landslides), unfortunate incidents in schools, and epidemics cause a wide range of losses. These things change our "normal" lives. Then, as a group, we grieve for those shared experiences that we have lost, for the future that has changed. For example, during the Covid pandemic, we all experienced this kind of collective grief.
What are the symptoms of grief?
Grief can affect your mind, body, and soul - all of these.
Emotional Symptoms
People who are grieving often say that "emotions come in waves." It can feel like emotions come flooding in without any warning. One moment life may feel normal, and the next you may be crying. Grief can cause people to experience a spectrum of emotions, from sadness to anger, from anger to joy. Sometimes you may feel disconnected from your feelings and like you're just operating on `autopilot.'
Sometimes conflicting feelings can arise. For example:
- While feeling sad about losing a loved one, it's also a relief to know that they are no longer suffering and are at peace.
- After a divorce, while feeling sad for your ex-partner, you also feel a little happy about having the opportunity to start a new life.
- Feeling guilty about caring for a dying relative day and night, and then thinking, "Oh, that's enough, I finally got some freedom now" when they're gone.
- When you lose a friend or relative with whom you didn't have a very good relationship, perhaps even a person you were angry with, conflicting emotions (indifference, anger, sadness, regret) come together.
There are no right or wrong feelings when it comes to grief. The most important thing is to identify those feelings and allow them to be felt in order to heal.
Physical Symptoms
Loss is an extreme stressor . This can have a profound effect on your body. Grief can cause your nervous system to become overactive, your immune system to become weak, and you can become more susceptible to illness.
Symptoms such as these may appear:
- Fatigue
- Headaches
- Nausea
- Restlessness
- Upset stomach
- Heart palpitations
- Weak muscles or joint pain
- Tightness in your chest or throat
- Having reduced or increased appetite
- Insomnia or sleeping too much
Behavioral Changes
Sadness can make it difficult to focus and get things done. You may notice symptoms like:
- Confusion
- Trouble thinking or making decisions
- Feeling as if you've lost a sense of hope or direction
- Difficulty focusing on anything other than your loss
- Difficulty remembering or keeping track of your responsibilities
What are the complications of grief?
In fact, all grief is complex to some extent. But in some cases, grief can become even more complex - we call it complicated grief or prolonged grief . This condition involves particularly challenging situations or severe symptoms that affect daily life for a long time.
Complicated grief can start with any type of grief. It can be made more difficult by things like:
- Absent grief: When you don't show any outward signs of grief. It could be because you're stuck in denial. At other times, someone who doesn't seem to be grieving may be struggling with complex emotions deep down, unseen by others.
- Ambiguous loss: When there is no clear ending to a loss. For example, if a loved one is presumed dead but the body has not been found, it can be difficult to recover from the grief. This also includes grieving for someone who is alive but cannot be reached (such as someone in prison, someone who has moved out of the country and has no contact). This also includes grieving for the emotional distance from a loved one due to conditions such as dementia or Alzheimer's disease.
- Disenfranchised grief: When society does not consider a loss to be worth grieving. If others make you feel that your grief is not valid, grieving can become an even more lonely experience. For example, the death of a pet, the loss of a partner, or a death that is socially unacceptable, such as suicide or drug overdose.
- Traumatic grief: When you are dealing with a loss and trauma at the same time. This happens with losses that are very serious and unexpected. Things like natural disasters, accidents, and violent deaths can cause trauma, and sometimes even a condition called PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder) . Then you need to treat this condition along with the grief.
If you're still feeling these things a year after the loss, you may be experiencing complicated or protracted grief:
- If you feel like a part of yourself is missing, like it's dead.
- If you still can't believe the death or loss happened.
- If you avoid things that remind you of death or loss.
- If you feel intense emotional pain related to the loss that interferes with daily life.
- If you feel apathy, loneliness, or a sense of meaninglessness in life.
- If you find it difficult to live a normal life, make plans with friends, participate in things you enjoy, and make decisions about the future.
How long will this sadness last?
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), grief can typically last anywhere from six months to two years. Symptoms gradually decrease over time.
But it's important to remember this: Grief is not something that can be neatly packaged or limited to a specific time frame. Everyone's grief and the length of time it lasts are different. And there's no such thing as "completely free" from grief. Things like the loss of a loved one, the broken marriage, the dream you gave up, become part of your life story. They are a part of who you are forever.
However, if you are having difficulty dealing with a loss, especially if it is affecting your daily life, don't hesitate to see a grief counselor or therapist .
How do we live with this grief? (Coping with Grief)
Living with grief takes time and patience. But there are things you can do to make this process a little easier for yourself and others who may need your support.
It is very important that you take care of yourself.
- Practice self-care: It's important to take care of your mind and body when you're grieving. Try to get seven to eight hours of sleep every night. Take a nap during the day if you're feeling tired. Exercise, eat nutritious meals on time. Meditate, do yoga. Take a bubble bath. When you're grieving, make taking care of yourself a priority, and don't feel guilty about it.
- Stick to a routine: Grief can disrupt your normal life and make it difficult to control your emotions. Sticking to a routine is a great way to take control of your situation and regulate your emotions. Go to bed and wake up at the same time. Try to eat at the same time every day. Wash your body. Consider every small task you complete as a victory.
- Attend to your emotions: Don't be tempted to escape difficult feelings by getting caught up in work or hobbies. Grief is about dealing with painful emotions. Don't be ashamed to cry. Allow yourself to remember the beautiful memories you had with your loved one who is no longer in your life. Express your feelings in a way that works for you. For example, you can process difficult feelings by writing in a journal, telling stories about your loved one, or singing a song that reminds you of them.
- Reach out to others: One of the best ways to deal with loss is to remember the connections you still have. It's normal to want to be alone when you're grieving, but don't be completely isolated. Even if it feels like everything has changed, remind yourself that it hasn't. There are people in your life who love you and want to help you.
- Talk to a therapist or grief counselor: Sometimes dealing with grief requires professional help. If grief is interfering with your life, or if symptoms haven't improved after six months, it may be time to see a professional.
How do we help someone who is grieving? (Supporting a loved one who's grieving)
- Be present: Be there for your loved one, as they need you. No one – including your grieving friend or family member – expects you to be an expert in grief counseling, or to say exactly what’s right. Just be there for them. Ask them what they need. Does they need to talk? Does they need help with distraction? Does they need help with funeral arrangements? Support them in any way they need.
- Offer to help: Not everyone wants to ask for help, even if they need it. Be mindful of how you can help, and offer to help. Can you take the kids to school? Do their laundry? Cook a meal, or give them some money to buy food?
- Signal that you're open to talking: Pay attention to your loved one's cues about whether they're ready to talk about their loss. For example, you may feel uncomfortable or insensitive about mentioning the name of the person they lost. But often, the grieving person is waiting for a chance to share their story, to talk about their feelings with others, and to process their feelings. If they start talking, listen more than you talk.
- Don't minimize someone's loss: Don't make someone's loss seem like a big deal, or like they're just getting over it. Also, don't try to put a positive spin on a loss. Saying things like "Everything is okay" or "He's in a better place now" can feel like you're putting it off to someone who's grieving, even if you're well-intentioned. Instead, allow your loved one to express their feelings honestly. It's a natural and necessary part of the grieving process.
Let's understand some more words related to sadness?
- The difference between Grief and Grieving: Grief is the process of working through and dealing with grief. Professionals who help people with grief use words like "working" or "moving" to highlight the demands that grief places on us.
- The difference between Grief and Bereavement: Bereavement is the period of grief that follows a death. It is often a time of personal loss, often accompanied by a shared grief with others.
- The difference between Grief and Mourning: Mourning is the way we express our grief. You can express your grief by sharing stories about someone you loved, planting their favorite flower in your garden, or burying their ashes in their favorite vacation spot. Funerals and memorial services are also a way for those who are grieving to come together and express their grief.
Finally, a few things to remember (Take-Home Message)
Everyone's grief journey is unique and personal. But recognizing the feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that may arise during this time can reassure you that you are not alone. You – like many others – will get through this. It's a common (but true) saying that "the only way out of grief is through it." Working through difficult emotions, holding onto your lost loved ones and life experiences, can give you the strength you need to move forward with your life.
You are not alone. If you need help, never hesitate to ask for it. Your mental health is very valuable.
` Grief, grief, loss, mental health, coping, healing, relief
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