Let's talk about assertiveness, how to say what's on your mind without hurting anyone!

We all have times in our lives when we need to tell others exactly what we think and what we want, clearly. But sometimes it feels a little difficult to do so, and we feel a little afraid and nervous inside. At such times, this is a very important thing that comes to our aid. Simply put, it is expressing our opinions with confidence in ourselves, but also with respect for others.

What exactly is Assertiveness?

Think of it this way: Assertiveness is a healthy way of communicating. It means being able to express your thoughts, your feelings, your needs , and your opinions honestly and respectfully . We face many situations every day, and this kind of assertiveness can help us a lot. For example:

• Asking someone you like out on a date.
• Asking a question to a school teacher or lecturer.
• Speaking well when going for a job interview.
• Going to a store and asking for exactly what you want.

This `(Assertiveness)` is not something that comes naturally to everyone. Some people are very quiet, afraid to speak their mind, and say "yes" to everything. We call it a `(Passive)` style. There are others, the way they speak is a bit harsh, as if they don't care about others. That's called an `(Aggressive)` style. `(Assertiveness)` is the perfect balance between these two. It's like the golden middle ground. So, what does it mean to behave `(Assertive)`?

• You can clearly express your opinion and what you feel.
• You can ask for what you want, what your needs are.
• If someone disagrees with you, you can respectfully disagree with them.
• You can submit your ideas and suggestions.
• You can say "I can't do this" or "I don't like this" without feeling guilty.
• You can also speak up for someone else, for their rights.

Why is assertiveness so important?

Now you might be thinking, is this really that big of a deal? Yes, Assertiveness not only helps us get what we want, but it also goes a long way. When we speak in an Assertive manner, it shows that we respect ourselves and others . People who speak in an Assertive manner send the message to the world that they believe in themselves. They are not too timid, nor do they try to push others down. They know that their feelings and opinions are valuable . They have good self-confidence. People who act in an Assertive manner usually find it easier to make friends because they speak in a way that respects the needs of others and their own. They are often good at resolving problems and disagreements when they arise. Just think, when we respect others, we get that respect back.That's the truth.

Where are you? Is it very quiet? Is it too loud? Or just right?

Now let's see where you stand on this scale called ``Assertiveness.'' Here are some examples:

Pawani's story: A little too quiet... (Too Passive)

If you ask Pawani, "What movie would you like to see?" she'll probably say, "Oh, I don't know, let's see the one you like." She usually lets others make the decisions, and then later regrets, "I wish I had said that." She feels awkward when her friends are the only ones talking. But even when Pawani tries to join in, she speaks so slowly that others unknowingly talk over her.

Janani's story: Sounds a bit harsh, doesn't it? (Too Aggressive)

Janani is not afraid to speak her mind. But when she does, she does it very loudly, in a way that only her own opinion is right. When a conversation takes place, she takes most of it, often interrupts others, and rarely listens to what others have to say. If you disagree with her, she will either tell you sarcastically or put you down. Many people say that Janani is very ``bossy`` (orders others), and does not think about other people's feelings.

Benura's story: This is the right way! (Just Right - Assertive)

If you ask Benura for an opinion, she will tell you honestly. If she disagrees with you, she will say it without putting you down, without making you feel like you are wrong. Benura is also interested in your opinion, and she listens carefully to what you have to say. Even if Benura disagrees with you, you can feel that she respects your opinion.

Problems that arise if you are too passive

Okay, so let's think about people who are ``Passive`` like Pawani. They may always feel that others are using them, working for their own benefit. Then they may feel hurt, angry, and resentful . When you hide what you think and feel, others do not get the chance to know and understand you properly. Your good ideas do not benefit the team, the workplace, and the family as they should.

If you start to think, "My ideas don't matter, my feelings don't matter to anyone," it can gradually reduce your self-confidence. Your good ideas may not receive the recognition and encouragement they deserve. If this situation continues, you may even develop a mental state like depression .

Problems that can arise if you are too aggressive

Now let's see what happens to people who behave in an `(Aggressive)` style like Janani. They may find it difficult to keep friends and maintain good relationships. They may try to overwhelm others in conversations, express their opinions very strongly and abruptly, and others may feel that they are not respected or appreciated. People with an `(Aggressive)` style may be able to get what they want from others. But most of the time, they end up being rejected and disliked by others. Eventually, they lose the respect of others.

Why doesn't everyone practice assertiveness properly? What is the reason?

Actually, why are some people `(Assertive)` like Benura, while others become `(Passive)` like Pawani or `(Aggressive)` like Janani? One reason for this is our personality. It is also influenced by the habits we have built up over time and the experiences we have had. At the same time, we learn to behave in `(Assertive)`, `(Passive)`, or `(Aggressive)` ways by watching how others behave, especially the way those who raise us from childhood (parents, guardians) behave.

Reasons for being passive:

• Lack of confidence in oneself and the value of one's own ideas.
• Thinking too much about pleasing others and winning their favor.
• Excessive fear of rejection or others not agreeing with one's ideas.
• Being very sensitive to criticism, or having been hurt by previous experiences of having their opinions ignored or rejected.
• Not having developed the skills needed to behave in an ``assertive'' manner.

Reasons for being aggressive:

• Being overconfident means thinking that you are the only one who is right.
• Working only to highlight one's own needs and opinions, without thinking about others.
• Not having learned to respect and consider the opinions, feelings, and needs of others.
• Lack of listening skills, not learning to ask others for their opinions.

Things that help you behave assertively:

• Having good self-confidence .
• Believing wholeheartedly that one's opinions are valuable, one's feelings are important, and one has the right to express them.
• Having the mental strength and resilience to face criticism, rejection, and setbacks when they come.
• Respecting the wishes and needs of others.
• Taking as role models those who behave in an assertive manner.
• Having positive experiences, such as getting good responses when your ideas were accepted and behaving assertively.

How can we become assertive? Things we can practice

The good news is that assertiveness is something we can practice and develop. It just takes some practice in communication skills and a positive attitude. Some people may have it more naturally. Others may need a little more practice. But anyone can develop it . Here are some things you can do to help:

1. First, identify your communication style.

Honestly think about whether you are more ``Assertive'', ``Passive'', or ``Aggressive''. Then, decide whether you want to reduce your passiveness or aggressiveness, or improve your existing ``Assertiveness''.

2. Try these things to reduce your passiveness and become more assertive:

• Be careful about what you think, what you feel, what you want, what you like. Before you tell others these things, you need to be aware of these things yourself.
• When someone asks you what you want, notice if you say things like, "Oh, I don't know," "I don't care," or "That's fine." Break that habit. Get into the habit of saying what you want, even for small things. For example, if someone asks, "Do you want the green one or the red one?" you can say, "I'd like the green one - thank you very much."
• Practice asking for things. For example: "Can I please pass you that spoon?" "I need a pen - does anyone have an extra one?" "Can you hold a seat for me over there?" When you practice asking for small things like this, you'll build the skills and confidence you need to ask for something big and important.
• Share your opinion. Tell us whether you liked or disliked a movie you saw, and why you thought so.
• Practice using " I" statements like "I like..." "I prefer..." "I feel... " This will help you express your feelings and ideas in your own way.
• Take a role model who is assertive - someone who is neither quiet nor rude. Try to imitate that person's good qualities.
• Always remind yourself that your thoughts and opinions are just as important as anyone else's . Knowing this is a great way to become assertive. Assertiveness starts with a mindset that values ​​and respects yourself as much as anyone else.

3. These are some tips to reduce aggression and become assertive:

• Let others speak first.
• Be careful not to interrupt others. If you do, catch it and say, "Oh, excuse me - you finish yours first!" and let the other person finish their point.
• Ask someone else for their opinion and listen carefully.
• When you disagree with something, try to express your opinion respectfully, without belittling the other person's opinion. For example, instead of saying, "That's a really stupid idea," say something like, "I don't really agree with that idea." Or, instead of saying, "That person is a really bad person," say something like, "I think he's a little inconsiderate of other people's feelings."
• As mentioned before, model yourself after someone who behaves well in an assertive manner.

4. Those who are naturally assertive need to further develop their abilities:

• Find good `(Assertive)` role models. Imitate their good qualities. (You can see, we gave this advice to others too. The reason is, we learn new things every day in life!)
• Consider the situations in which you are most assertive. For many people, it is easy to be assertive in some situations (e.g. with friends), but in other situations (e.g. with teachers, new people) it can be a challenge. In those difficult situations, think: "How would I say this to my best friends?" This will make things easier for you.

The most important thing to remember is

Finally, here's what you have to say. When you are ``Assertive'', that is, when you say what's on your mind honestly, clearly, but respectfully, it shows how much you believe in yourself.

You have the right to express your thoughts and feelings to the world. You also have the responsibility to respect the opinions of others. Assertiveness is a perfect combination of both.

Developing this skill called ``Assertiveness'' is a very important step towards becoming the person you want to be, your ``best self''! So, start practicing these things little by little. You can do it!

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Assertiveness, communication, self-confidence, expressing opinions, relationships, mental health, behavior