Today, we’re discussing something truly essential for your life. It’s a skill that will help you everywhere—with friends, at home, in the workplace, or while studying—in short, everywhere you go. This skill is called Assertiveness. You may have heard this term before. Simply put, assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, needs, and opinions honestly, clearly, and respectfully, without hurting others or compromising your own self-worth.
What does being Assertive actually mean?
Think of assertiveness as a form of healthy communication. It is the ability to stand up for yourself while maintaining respect for others. We face countless situations every day where this is vital—whether it's stating a preference, asking a teacher a question, or presenting yourself effectively during a job or university interview.
However, assertiveness isn't always an innate trait. Some people tend to be too passive; they suppress their own feelings and simply agree with everyone else to avoid conflict. Others lean towards being too aggressive; they prioritize their own needs above all else, often speaking over others or shouting to be heard. Assertiveness is that perfect balance right in the middle.
Being assertive means you can:
- Express your opinions and feelings openly.
- Ask for what you need clearly.
- Disagree respectfully with others.
- Share your ideas and suggestions confidently.
- Say “no” without feeling guilty.
- Stand up for others when necessary.
Why is this so important for us?
Communicating assertively helps you get what you need, but it goes deeper than that. Being assertive means you value yourself just as much as you value those around you.
Assertive individuals signal that they are confident and self-assured. They don't cower, nor do they bulldoze others. They recognize that their feelings and ideas have merit. They possess a strong sense of self-confidence.
Assertive people often find it easier to build friendships because they communicate in a way that respects both their own needs and the needs of others. They are also skilled at resolving conflicts and disagreements. When you treat others with respect, you earn their respect in return.
Passive, Aggressive, or Just Right?
How do you know where you fall on the assertiveness scale? Here are some examples:
Nimali (Too Passive): If you ask Nimali which movie she wants to watch, she will likely say, “I don't know… what would you like?” She typically lets others make decisions, only to feel resentful later that her own preferences were ignored. She struggles to be heard in a group, and when she tries to contribute, she speaks so softly that she often gets talked over.
Surekha (Too Aggressive): Surekha has no trouble expressing her thoughts, but she does so in a loud, dominating manner. She often hijacks the conversation, interrupts others, and listens very little. If she disagrees with you, she makes it known—often through sarcasm or by being hurtful. She has a reputation for being bossy and inconsiderate.
Chamal (Assertive): If you ask Chamal for his opinion, he shares it honestly. If he disagrees with you, he states it clearly—but without belittling you or making you feel wrong. Chamal is genuinely interested in your perspective and actively listens. Even when he disagrees, you still feel that he respects your opinion.
The consequences of being too passive…
Those who are too passive often feel like others are taking advantage of them. This can lead to feelings of hurt, anger, or frustration.
When you keep your thoughts and feelings locked away, others can’t get to know or understand the real you. Furthermore, your group misses out on the value of your unique ideas and suggestions.
If you start feeling that your thoughts or feelings don't matter, your self-confidence (Confidence) can decline. Additionally, you miss out on the recognition you deserve for your contributions. Over time, this can even contribute to conditions like depression.
Remember: Your voice is valuable. Don't silence it!
What happens if you are too aggressive?
Those who act too aggressively often find it difficult to maintain healthy friendships. By dominating conversations and forcing their opinions on others, they leave people feeling disregarded and disrespected.
While an aggressive style might get someone what they want in the short term, it often leads to rejection or resentment from others. Ultimately, they lose the respect of their peers.
Why isn't everyone assertive?
Why do some people resort to passive or aggressive behavior? A major factor is personality. Our habits and life experiences also play a role. We often learn to be passive, aggressive, or assertive by observing the people around us, especially those who raised us.
Here are some reasons someone might be too passive:
- A lack of self-belief or undervaluing their own opinions.
- An excessive need to please others or to be liked by everyone.
- Anxiety about how others will react to their opinions, or fear of rejection.
- High sensitivity to criticism, or a history of having their feelings dismissed or suffering rejection.
- A lack of developed skills in knowing how to be assertive.
Factors that contribute to someone being too aggressive include:
- Overconfidence or arrogance.
- An excessive focus on their own needs and a desire to impose their will on others.
- A failure to learn how to respect or consider the needs and opinions of others.
- A lack of practice in active listening and asking for others' input.
Here is what helps someone move toward being truly assertive:
- Having strong self-confidence.
- Believing that your ideas and feelings are valid and that you have the right to express them.
- Resilience—the ability to handle criticism, rejection, and setbacks gracefully.
- Respecting the wishes and needs of others.
- Having positive role models for assertiveness.
- Being aware that your thoughts and assertive communication have been valued in the past.
How can you become more assertive?
Becoming assertive involves practicing communication skills and cultivating a healthy mindset. While some people are naturally assertive, others may require more practice. However, everyone can improve this skill.
Here is how to do it:
First, reflect on your current communication style—are you more passive, aggressive, or assertive? Decide whether you need to reduce passivity, soften your aggression, or further enhance your natural assertive traits.
To reduce passivity and increase assertiveness:
- Be mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and preferences. You must be aware of these yourself before you can express them to others.
- Notice if you often respond to questions with "I don’t know," "I don’t mind," or "Whatever is fine." Stop doing this. Practice expressing your preferences, even in small matters. For example, if asked, "Do you prefer the green one or the red one?" you can say, "I prefer the green one—thank you."
- Practice making requests. For example: "Could you please pass me a spoon?" "I need a pen; does anyone have a spare?" "Could I please have a seat?" This builds the confidence you need to make more significant requests later.
- State your opinion. Share your thoughts on a movie or a topic, and explain why you feel that way.
- Practice using "I-statements" such as "I want...", "I would like...", or "I feel...".
- Find a role model who is assertive—someone who is neither a pushover nor overly aggressive. See if you can mirror their best traits.
- Remind yourself that your thoughts and opinions are just as important as everyone else's. Recognizing your own value is the foundation of assertiveness, which balances self-respect with respect for others.
To reduce aggression and increase assertiveness:
- Make space for others to speak.
- Check if you interrupt others. If you catch yourself doing it, simply say, "Oh, I'm sorry—please go ahead," and let the other person finish.
- Ask for others' opinions and genuinely listen to their responses.
- When you disagree, try to express it without belittling the other person. Instead of saying, "That’s a stupid idea," try, "I don’t really agree with that approach." Instead of attacking someone's character, focus on the behavior: "I feel like they aren't considering others' perspectives."
- Find a role model who balances assertiveness well and try to mirror their respectful approach.
Even those who are naturally assertive can keep improving:
- Continue to look for role models. Learning is a lifelong process, regardless of your starting point!
- Identify when you are most assertive. People behave differently in various situations. Most find it easy to be assertive with friends but struggle with authority figures or new acquaintances. When you face a challenging situation, ask yourself, "How would I handle this if I were talking to my best friend?"
Communicating assertively shows that you trust yourself. Building assertiveness is a vital step toward becoming your best self!
Your take-home message
I hope you now have a clearer understanding of assertiveness. Remember, this doesn't happen overnight. However, with consistent practice, you will definitely see a positive change.
- Your feelings, thoughts, and needs are valid. Do not hide them.
- Be neither passive nor aggressive. Both styles have their drawbacks.
- Assertiveness means speaking honestly while respecting yourself and others.
- Start small. Practice by saying simple things like, "I actually prefer this one over that one."
- Listen well to others. Assertiveness is a two-way dialogue, not just about your own voice.
- Do not feel guilty if you make a mistake or need to say "no."
Try incorporating these small habits into your daily life. You will soon notice your relationships improving and a greater sense of peace within yourself. Best of luck from Nirogi Lanka!
Communication, Mental Health, Assertiveness, Self-confidence, Interpersonal relationships, Emotion Management, Healthy Lifestyle
