It's hard to put into words what we feel when we hear that a family member or a close friend has suddenly become ill, especially a serious illness like cancer. On the one hand, we feel sad and scared. On the other hand, we want to help that person, but there are times when we feel helpless and unable to think, "What do I do now?", "How can I help?" This is very normal. If you feel the same way, don't feel bad about it. The most important thing is to make that person feel that we are with them during this difficult time.
What you need to understand before giving help
When we say we are helping someone, it can be done in two main ways. One is
practical support . That means helping with daily tasks. The other is
emotional support . That means helping that person, being with them. Both are very important. Imagine that a friend of yours has been diagnosed with
breast cancer. On the one hand, she has to run to see doctors and get treatment. In the meantime, she also has to take care of household chores and children. On the other hand, she is struggling with a lot of emotions inside her, such as fear, shock, anger, and sadness. So when we help, we need to think about both of these aspects.
The most important thing is not to just say, "Let me know if you need any help." Instead, it's to suggest something specific that we can do.
How exactly can we help? (Things to do)
When someone is sick, they may not even have time to think about asking for what they need. So it's important to think about offering help.
Suggest practical help
Instead of asking in general terms, "Do you need anything?", ask for specific things like this.
- "I'm going to the store today. Do you need anything to bring home? "
- "You have to go see the doctor today, right? Should I come and pick you up? "
- "You seem tired today. Should I pick up the kids from school? "
- "Do you need to buy medicine? Should I go to the pharmacy and get some? "
- "Don't cook today. I'll bring you dinner. "
When you ask a specific question like this, it's easy for the person to say "yes" or "no." It feels like a huge burden has been lifted from them.
Let them feel their feelings.
It's normal to experience feelings of anger, fear, shock, and sadness when someone is diagnosed with an illness. At that time, we need to allow them to express those feelings.
- Listen carefully: Listen carefully to what they have to say. Don't interrupt them when they are expressing their sadness or anger, or try to immediately offer solutions. Show them that you understand their feelings by saying things like, "Yes, it's fair to feel that way."
- Show your support: Sometimes words aren't needed. Holding hands, resting your head on someone's shoulder, and letting them cry can be a great comfort. Send the message, "I'm with you."
Never make these mistakes (things you shouldn't do)
Some of the things we do with good intentions can hurt someone who is sick even more. So be especially careful about these things.
Don't tell scary stories.
This is a big mistake that many people make without realizing it.
- Never tell stories like , "Our neighbor's aunt had the same disease, and this is what happened to her in the end..." . Such stories will only increase their fear. Every patient is different. Treatment methods have improved. So don't demoralize them further by blaming others for their bad experiences.
- Also, do not suggest treatment methods that you have heard about somewhere, such as, "That doctor is good, that oil medicine is good, that porridge is good, etc." When many relatives come and say things like that, the patient cannot make a decision. The patient may even make the wrong decision by stopping the treatment that is being done in the hospital.
Don't force yourself to "be positive."
Saying things like "keep your spirits up," "be positive," and "there are so many people who have it harder than you" only suppresses their true feelings.
- Saying this to someone when they are sad or scared can make them feel guilty about their feelings. They start to blame themselves, saying, "Why am I feeling this sad?" Instead, let them feel their feelings by saying , "It's normal for you to feel scared and sad right now. There's nothing wrong with that."
Don't stop visiting even if you don't get calls.
Sometimes, someone who is sick may not have the strength to answer a call or even speak.
- Don't avoid them because you've called or texted them and they haven't answered. They may not want to talk, but it's a great way to make them feel like you're checking in on them. Even sending a text message saying , "You must be having a hard time talking. If you need anything, let me know." (Don't just go and bother them.)
| ✔️ Do's | ❌ Don'ts |
|---|
| Suggest specific help , like "Can I pick up the kids from school?" | Don't just say "If you need anything, just let me know." |
| Allow for all their feelings, such as sadness, anger, and fear, and listen carefully. | Don't suppress their feelings by saying, "Be positive" or "Keep your spirits up." |
| Show your support through actions, not just words, by holding hands. | Don't scare other patients further by telling them scary, unpleasant stories . |
| Even if they don't answer your calls, let them know you're thinking of them with a text message. | Avoid completely avoiding them just because they don't respond. |
| Listen only to what they want to say about their condition. | Don't embarrass them by asking unnecessary questions about their medical condition. |
Finally, remember, what your loved one needs at this time is not a superhero. They need someone to hold their hand, to walk this journey with them, to understand them. Your presence, your one word, your little help can be a great strength to them. So, do that help without fear, but very carefully, and with your heart.
Take-Home Message
- It's normal to feel helpless and not know how to help when someone close to you is sick.
- Instead of asking in general terms, "Do you need anything?", offer a specific favor, such as "Can I get you something from the store?"
- Allow their feelings of sadness, anger, fear, etc. Rather than forcing them to "be positive," listen carefully.
- Avoid telling unpleasant, frightening stories about other patients. It reduces their mental strength.
- Even if they don't answer your calls, letting them know through a text message that you're thinking of them will be a great encouragement.
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