Children lost in family conflicts: Let's talk about conflicts between parents and adults (Family Conflict & Children's Wellbeing)

Sometimes there are big problems within families, right? Especially when the husband dies, or when the couple separates, there are disagreements about the children's relationship with their grandparents. The mother wants one way, the grandparents want another. The children get lost in the middle of this conflict. This is actually a very sensitive topic. Today we are talking about an issue that affects many families like this, but we don't talk about it much.

The story of a family dispute that went to court

To understand this story, let's take a true story that happened in America as an example. This is a case that went all the way to the highest court in the country.

On one side were grandparents, Gary and Jennifer. After the loss of their son, they wanted to see their two grandchildren on holidays and weekends, to spend time with them. That was a very reasonable request, wasn't it?

On the other side was the mother of the children, Tommy. Her partner, the father of the children, had committed suicide. Now she wanted to start a new life and create a new family for her two children. She remarried and, when she and her new husband had children of their own, the family grew much larger.

The problem started here. The children's father had died from chronic depression . After he died, Tommy's mother gradually reduced the number of times she and her grandparents visited the children. She said she wanted to let him start a new family. But the grandparents didn't want that. They wanted to be together with the children as before.

This problem gradually escalated. Even small things became big arguments. Finally, the grandparents filed a lawsuit in court, demanding the right to see their grandchildren. This case dragged on for years.

What is the real deeper problem here?

We see two sides to this story.

1. Parental rights: As long as a child is not harmed, to what extent can someone interfere with the parents' right to raise that child and make decisions about the child?

2. The child's well-being: A child's bonds with their grandparents and siblings are very valuable. Maintaining those bonds is very important for the child's mental development.

Simply put, the question is how to balance these two rights. A mother has the right to make decisions about her children. Also, grandparents are a very important part of a child's life. When there is a conflict between these two, the innocent children are the ones who are most helpless and psychologically stressed.

How do these conflicts affect children?

We often don't think about how much damage adults' arguments can do to children's hearts. Shielding a child from adult problems can affect them for the rest of their lives.

See the table below to see how these things affect children.

Changes in the child's behavior

You can see some changes in the behavior of children under this kind of pressure.

• Suddenly angry.
• I am quieter and sadder than before.
• I get scared while sleeping and wake up from sleep.
• Interest in schoolwork is decreasing.
• Physical symptoms such as stomach aches and headaches are shown.

If a child shows these kinds of symptoms, you should definitely be concerned.

So, what is the solution?

Going to court or going to court should be the last resort. Before that, it is very important to try to resolve these issues as a family.

• Put the child's best interests first: Remember, your child's mental health is more important than your anger or disagreements. Before making any decision, think twice about "How will this affect my child/grandchild?"

• Have a calm conversation : Meet when the children are not around, in a place where both parties can talk calmly. Talk honestly about your feelings and needs without blaming each other. Say, "This is how I feel," instead of accusing, "This is how you do things."

• Understand and respect boundaries: Parents have the right to make final decisions about their child. Grandparents should respect that boundary. Also, parents should understand that grandparents are not characters who can be removed from a child's life, and that their love is also valuable to the child.

• Come to a common agreement: It may take some compromise on both sides. It can be very helpful if you can come up with something like a schedule of days and times to visit the child. If everyone agrees on that, there will be a lot less problems.

• Seek professional advice: If you find it difficult to resolve these issues on your own, don't be shy about seeking help from an outsider. You can seek the help of a family counselor . Or, talk to your trusted doctor about the stress caused by these family issues. He or she will be able to give you the right guidance.