Is it hard for your partner with ADHD to understand you? (ADHD in Relationships)

If you have ADHD ( attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), you may feel that your partner is sometimes frustrated by your behavior. But you may not know what is really bothering them or what to do about it. While every relationship is different, there are some common reasons why problems often arise. For example, your confusion, forgetfulness, and impulsiveness can cause disagreements between you. Let's identify exactly where these problems arise and talk about ways to reduce the tension.

When chaos becomes a problem

When talking about living with someone with ADHD, a woman named Christine says: “I’m a planner, a systematic person. I’m always thinking about what’s going to happen next.” Her husband, Max, has ADHD.

Max is the complete opposite. While he doesn't mind the mess, Christine finds it a big problem. She says, "My husband has lived in a messy environment his whole life. But for me, seeing mess makes me feel very stressed."

According to Sharon Saleen, a psychologist who specializes in ADHD, this is very common. "Couples with ADHD often have conflicting ideas about order and organization. This can be frustrating for both parties."

What do you do about this?

Together, make a list of the things that you both find problematic or stressful (triggers). Choose the easiest ones to work on first. Then come up with a way to organize them. This could be color coding, or putting things in separate boxes in alphabetical order. The important thing is to come up with a method that you both agree on.

Problems with sharing household chores

Teri, who lives with William, who has ADHD , says: "Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who has to take on all the responsibilities at home and make a plan for everything."

Since William doesn't care about the housework, Terry takes over and does everything. He says that if he didn't do it, nothing would get done. "I have to manage everything and delegate."

This is a common occurrence in ADHD relationships, says Chad Perman, a marriage and family counselor. "The non-ADHD partner often does the majority of the housework and child care because they are more organized, reliable, and able to complete tasks in a reasonable amount of time."

This can become a "parent- child " relationship over time. While your partner becomes the "responsible parent," you may unknowingly become the "irresponsible child." This can be very frustrating for both of you.

What do you do about this?

Sit down together and talk. Agree on specific tasks that you will take on. Set reminders on your phone so you don't forget to do them. Also, tell your partner when you've finished a task. This will reduce the pressure on them.

When you forget something important...

Forgetfulness can put a lot of strain on a relationship. As Teri says, "Sometimes I send William to the store to pick up two items. It takes him a long time to get there, and he ends up coming back with only one item."

He laughs and forgets about little things like that. But he also says, "I don't laugh when I think about whether the cat will forget to feed it or the dog will run out of water while I'm away."

Even Max knows that his forgetfulness is a problem. "Sometimes I promise to mail a letter for my wife and then forget to do it on time. Sometimes I forget completely."

When he can't keep a promise, he feels bad for himself. "He needs to be able to trust me. It's hard to be with someone you can't trust. It must hurt so much when you question your partner's trust."

What do you do about this?

Make a to-do list. Cross it off when you finish a task. Set reminders and notifications on your phone. If possible, write it on a whiteboard on the wall where your partner can see it.

When your partner no longer feels loved

When you forget about important things for your partner, when you don't pay attention to their needs, they may feel like you don't care about them. "This is very common in relationships with ADHD," says Ned Hallowell, MD, an ADHD specialist. While the cause may be neurological, the other person may perceive it as a lack of love.

This is what happens to Theri when William loses his full attention when he's with her. "Sometimes he walks so fast. He forgets where I am because his attention is elsewhere."

"If we go to a party, he completely forgets about me when he sees his friends. He doesn't even notice if I want a drink or if I'm stuck in the crowd." She knows that William doesn't do these things on purpose. But she feels like William doesn't care about her.

William says, "I'm really sorry he feels that way, because that's not my intention." What's really happening is that his brain is overloaded with too many things at once, and he's acting too quickly, and he's missing some things.

What do you do about this?

William and Terry say that it helps to talk things out calmly, without blaming each other. "Then we can work together to find a solution to the problem." If you have ADHD, you can engage in mindfulness activities. This can help you stay in the present moment.

When you suddenly read what comes to mind

ADHD can also affect the way you communicate with your partner. You may say whatever comes to mind, have trouble paying attention to a conversation, or suddenly interrupt the other person while they are talking.

"To the non-ADHD partner, these things can feel like very mean, neglectful, and hurtful behavior ," says counselor Perman.

"Many couples with ADHD struggle with extreme emotional outbursts and intense arguments," says Sharon Saleen.

What do you do about this?

Think before you speak. When you are very angry, take a time-out. Calm down, then come back together and talk about it.

Whatever the problem, practice active listening at least once a week. Talk about common problems together and find solutions. Look at the situation in a positive light whenever possible. Take a break when emotions are running high. Focus on the good qualities you both have and the things you have in common. Remember, this is not a battle you two have to fight alone, it is something you both need to overcome together. If you need more advice on this, talk to your doctor or a qualified counselor.

ADHD, relationships, mental health, forgetfulness, confusion, marriage, partner, ADHD in relationships Sinhala