Are you someone who has a mental illness like bipolar disorder ? Or does the person you love, your spouse, have this condition? If so, questions like "Is this relationship okay?", "Will our marriage work?" must be tormenting your mind. This is actually a question that many people have. So today, I thought I would talk to you about this from my own experience.
When I was in seventh grade, I told my science teacher that I wanted to get married soon. He laughed and said, "That's what every kid that age thinks. It's hormones, what they see from their parents, and the influence of society." But I didn't agree. I thought my reason was more special than that.
Actually, to some extent, the teacher was right. I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted love, acceptance, and stability in my life. I thought marriage would give me all of that. But my reason was different. Although I didn't realize it at the time, my bipolar condition had caused me to constantly feel worthless and worthless. I was plagued by suicidal thoughts and self-hatred. I thought that once I met the right person and got married, all this sadness would go away.
Marriage is not a panacea: The hard lessons I learned
In fact, I learned the hard way that marriage wouldn't solve my problems. In fact, it created new problems. I looked to my wife as the one who would solve all my problems. So when she couldn't do that, I always got angry with her. I blamed her for my loneliness and sadness, and I started to hate her.
That was my first wife. We got married very young. She was 18, I was barely 20. We both thought marriage was the magic that would complete our lives. Because of that, we were both constantly disappointed. We treated each other very badly. Years after our divorce, when someone asks, "Why didn't the first marriage work out?" I jokingly say, "I guess women don't like being married to an untreated bipolar person."
It may seem like a joke, but there is a lot of truth in it. He is just a crazy man trying to use his wife as a cure for his mental illness.
When my second wife met me, I had been diagnosed with my condition and started treatment. But I was not yet fully recovered. I had not yet understood that someone else could cure me. I thought that with the help of medication and a new relationship, I would be happy. That is, I still thought that happiness came from outside. I believed that I would be happy when I met the right person, lived in the right place, and got the right job.
My relationship with my second wife was better than my first, but it didn't last. We divorced after 5 years, but we remained good friends. During that time, I learned more about my condition and found the right medication combination for me. But that marriage also ended because I wasn't a "whole person" when I entered it.
Where did you go wrong? How did you fix it?
The rules of marriage don't change just because I'm bipolar. I entered both marriages thinking, "What can my wife do for me?" But I never thought, "What can I do for her?" I was emotional, stressed. But most of all, I was incredibly selfish.
I was not a stable person when I was alone. So instead of getting into a relationship, my flaws became more pronounced. Realizing this, I knew I needed to work harder on improving my overall well-being before I could get into the stable relationship I wanted.
Before I met my third wife, I was single for two and a half years. This time, I had a lot to offer her. I was stable, fun, and caring. I could take care of myself, and I could take care of her. We got along because we both knew what we wanted out of marriage before we even met.
We moved forward very cautiously. We didn't want to be together to solve a problem, but to enhance our lives, which had been stable and satisfying even before we met.
I told him to learn about mental illness and bipolar disorder. I wanted to give him as much understanding as possible about what it means to manage a serious illness for the rest of his life. We talked openly about what I was going through and what we expected from each other in terms of support and care.
| Approach | The wrong way (first two marriages) | The correct way (now) |
|---|---|---|
| Hope in marriage | Seeing it as something that solves my problems and brings me happiness. | Making two already stable lives even more beautiful. |
| Their own responsibility | Thinking that my partner will take care of me. I am selfish. | I take care of myself. I take care of him too. We are a team. |
| Medical condition | Not receiving treatment or having the wrong mindset even after receiving treatment. | Proper management of the disease. Informing the partner about it. |
| Communication | Blaming my partner for my feelings. Not having honest conversations. | Being completely open and honest. Talking about what you expect from each other. |
Today, my plan for a happy marriage is to manage my bipolar condition and my marriage as much as possible. I am open and honest with my wife, and I expect the same from her. We are a team. We look out for each other. In this marriage, I have the love, acceptance, and stability that everyone craves. But that's because I found those things within myself first.
Take-Home Message
- A marriage or relationship cannot 'cure' a mental illness. That is a false hope.
- The first thing you need to do is to properly manage your condition. To do that, be sure to seek advice and treatment from your doctor .
- Before entering a relationship, try to become a "whole person" who can be stable and happy even when alone.
- Talk openly with your partner about everything. Be honest about your situation, how you feel, and what help you need.
- Marriage is a team sport. Help each other, understand each other.
- Find the love, acceptance, and stability you seek from outside first within yourself. Then a healthy relationship will naturally develop.
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