Are your parents getting divorced? (Divorce) Shall we talk about this?

Sometimes family life is not as beautiful and happy as we think, is it? There may come a time when various problems and disagreements arise between parents, and they decide that they can no longer live together under one roof. This is what we usually call 'divorce' or ``divorce'' in English. This can really be a big change for you and your entire family, and it can be a difficult period. So, let's talk about this in a little more detail, in a way that you can understand, simply.

What is divorce really?

Simply put, divorce is when two married people, your parents, decide that they no longer want to be husband and wife and that their marriage should end. This is like legally separating them from each other, just as they were legally united when they got married. After signing the relevant legal documents, they become legally single again.

Sometimes, both parents decide to divorce after talking and understanding. However, sometimes only one person decides to divorce, even if the other person does not want to at first. However, making the decision to end a marriage is a very difficult thing. Many parents try to resolve their problems and save the family in every way possible before getting divorced. They may even resort to counseling. However, sometimes those efforts are not successful. In such cases, separation is the best decision for both of them, and perhaps for the entire family, rather than suffering together.

What are the reasons why parents divorce?

There can be many reasons why parents divorce. It's like having multiple medications for the same disease, and the reasons may be different for each person. Here are some of the most common reasons:

• Constant fighting and disagreements that make it impossible to live together: Imagine, if there were fights and shouting at home every morning, would anyone be happy or relieved? When that continues, they probably realize that staying together will only increase the problems and bring no comfort to anyone.
• The love and bond that existed when you got married changes over time: People's hearts change, don't they? So, the feelings of love and intimacy that you had when you got married can diminish or even disappear over time. Perhaps the way they think and feel has changed a lot, and they may realize that they are no longer compatible with each other.
• One of the parents starts a romantic relationship with someone else: Sometimes, a parent, whether a mother or father, can secretly have an affair with their spouse. When the other person finds out, it can be a great shock and sadness, and the trust they had in the marriage can be shattered.
• Serious problems like alcoholism or domestic abuse: Imagine, if one person in the family drinks alcohol every day, disturbs the others in the family, wastes money, or abuses them physically or mentally, can anyone in that family be happy? Such serious problems can be a major reason for divorce. Such things also have a very negative impact on the minds of children.
• Even if there is no major problem, both of them want to live separately: Sometimes, even if there is no big fight or serious problem, both of them realize that it is better for them to be apart and on their own than to live together. Perhaps their goals and expectations in life have changed.

There could be many other reasons like this. The important thing is to understand that whatever the reasons, it's a problem between your parents, not something you're responsible for.

Am I responsible for my parents' divorce?

This is the most important thing you need to know: No child causes parents to divorce. Remember that.

Your parents decide to separate because of incompatibility, problems, and disagreements between them. It has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. Some children, especially those who are young like you, may think things like: "If only I had studied harder and gotten better grades in exams, my parents wouldn't have fought," "If only I had helped them with the housework a little more, they wouldn't have separated," "If only I hadn't bothered them..." A thousand and one things like this may come to your mind.

It's normal for you to feel that way, to be worried about what happened. But, it was never your fault, you can't blame anyone for this, and you shouldn't blame yourself either. Do you understand? This is like a big storm. The storm is not coming because of you. This is the same way.

How will I feel when my parents divorce?

When your parents separate, you can experience a variety of emotions, sometimes conflicting. It's like the weather: sunny one day, rainy the next, and windy the next. That's how you feel.

• Sadness: It's normal to feel sad when your family feels like it's falling apart, or when two people you love break up.
• Anger: You may feel angry at your mother, your father, and perhaps even the whole world, thinking things like, "Why is this happening to me?", "Why couldn't they solve the problems?"
• Disappointment: It can be very frustrating when you feel like the family life you dreamed of and the hopes you had for the future are disappearing.
• Fear and anxiety: You may feel afraid and anxious, thinking things like, "What will happen next?", "Who will take care of me?", "Will I never be able to see my mom and dad?"
• Loneliness: When your friends' parents are together, you may feel lonely, thinking that you're the only one going through this. You may even think, "I'm the only one who has this problem."
• Guilt: As we talked about earlier, guilt can come from thinking, "Was this my fault?" But remember, it's not.
• Feeling like defending one and blaming the other: You may feel bad for your mother and angry with your father. Or it could be the other way around.
• Feeling relieved: This may seem a bit surprising, but sometimes you may feel relieved. Especially if there was a lot of fighting, screaming, and tension in your home, you may feel some relief from being free from those things.

If you are feeling all of these feelings, or none of them, or anything else, it is important to understand that it is all normal . You are not alone in this time.

What changes can happen as a result of divorce?

Depending on what's going on in your family, some things in your life may change with a divorce. Some of these changes may be difficult, but some may also be good changes.

Difficult changes that may occur:

• Changing where you live: You may have to move to a new house, or to another city or province.
• Changing schools: Moving to a new home, going to a new school, and making new friends can be a bit challenging.
• Being with only one person at a time: You may not be able to spend time with both parents as much as you used to. You may have to adapt to different schedules, such as spending time with mom during the week and dad on the weekends.
• Financial difficulties: When a family breaks up, there may be less money in your pocket than before.
• Dealing with parental anger: If your parents are angry because of things that happened before or during the divorce, you may hear or see them yelling at each other and blaming each other. This can be a very difficult experience. Try not to get caught up in it.

Possible good changes:

• Increased peace at home: The constant fighting and screaming at home can be gone, and the home can become a peaceful and quiet place.
• Seeing your parents happy: You may find that your parents, who were sad and angry when they were together, are now focused on their own lives and happier than before after they separate.
• Strengthening your relationship with your parents: After your parents separate, you may find that they spend more time with you separately. They may be more attentive to you and try to build a better relationship with you individually.
• Developing a good friendship between parents: It may seem strange, but after divorce, some parents, because they no longer have the problems they had as husband and wife, talk like good friends and work together on their children's matters.

What else do I need to know about divorce?

There are a few things you can do and should know during these difficult times.

1. Talk about your feelings: Tell your parents how you feel about the divorce, how you feel (sadness, anger, fear). No matter how much trouble they are going through, you are their child. They will understand how you feel. Don't lie, tell the truth . It will help them understand you and help you a lot.

2. Talk to a trusted adult: If you have difficult things to tell your parents, or if you need to talk to someone besides them, it can be a great help to talk to another adult you trust . It could be your best friend's mother, father, your grandmother, aunt, uncle, your teacher, a school counselor, a religious leader like a priest, a priest at the temple, or a priest at the church . Share your burdens with them.

3. Remember that you are not alone: ​​There are millions of children around the world, including in Sri Lanka, whose parents have divorced. You are not the first person to go through this experience, and you will not be the last. There is someone who can help you and listen to you.

4. Love both parents: Just because they're divorced doesn't mean you have to change your love for them. They're your parents. Even if they have problems, they both love you. If possible, try to maintain a good relationship with both of them.

5. Maintain your routine: As much as possible, continue with your schoolwork, sports, and hobbies as usual. This will help you get through this difficult time as normal.

The Take-Home Message for You

When parents divorce, it's a big change for the whole family, a challenging time to adjust to. It's not always easy. It's normal to feel sad, hurt, and confused.

But, the most important thing is to firmly believe that this divorce was never your fault. You have no reason to feel guilty about it or blame yourself.

Many other children, like you, have faced similar situations, overcome them, and successfully built their lives. You can do it too. You are stronger than you think. There are people around you who love you and want to help you. Talk to them, share your burdens, pain, and problems. If necessary, you can also get professional counseling.

With time, you will find the strength to adapt to this difficult situation. Just as wounds take time to heal, your heart will take time to heal after this experience. Allow it. Take care of yourself. You are valuable.

` Divorce, family issues, children's mental health, parent-child relationships, emotion management, counseling, Sri Lanka