There's nothing more difficult than watching your beloved wife struggle through the pain of childbirth, bringing your child into the world. "Oh my God, if only I could do something to ease this pain ..." You've probably thought a thousand times. This is not just your feeling, but every husband in the world is feeling it right now. But instead of watching helplessly, there are actually many things you can do to support her and make this journey easier. Let's talk about that today.
Be a "Lover", not a "Coach".
We often think of the husband's role during childbirth as that of a "coach." Like a sports coach giving instructions like, "Okay, now breathe... just a little more... push!" But childbirth is not really a sport. Your wife doesn't need a coach at that time, she needs her loving husband, her best friend, to be by her side.
Imagine, if you have never felt even a small menstrual cramp, how can you truly understand the feelings of someone who is going through the worst pain in the world? It's very difficult. So it's more important to support them than to advise them.
Simply put, childbirth is about making love. Hold her hand. Hug her. Appreciate what she does. Make it a very private, loving moment for the two of you. If possible, light a scented candle, put on some soothing music, give her something she likes to eat. Be her lover, not a "coach."
5 ways to support your wife during childbirth
Okay, so let's see what you can do at this crucial time.
1. Be Prepared
It's normal to feel scared and helpless when you're facing something like this for the first time. But if you have a good understanding of the process of childbirth and what happens during it, your fear will be greatly reduced.
That means, it is very important to attend childbirth classes and read books about it during pregnancy. There are books especially written for fathers. Also, talk to your wife about this. Discuss things in advance, such as what she expects, how she thinks about pain management, etc.
Ask your doctor what will happen if you have to have an emergency cesarean section or if there is another complication. Being aware of things like "What is my role in such a situation? Will I be asked to leave?" can help prevent unnecessary panic.
2. Offer Comfort Measures
When you feel like you have something practical to do, your helplessness disappears. You can give him some water, give him a little snack if he wants it, put on some music, give him a massage, or help him move into a different position. Helping him take a hot bath often helps relieve the pain. Little things like these will make him feel very strong.
3. Don't Try to Fix It
This is the problem that most men have. This is what we call "the guy thing." We try to control everything, to solve problems. When the person we love is in pain, it's normal to want to "fix" it.
But remember, childbirth is not a "broken thing." There's nothing you can do to fix it. It's a natural process. The best thing you can do is listen to what she has to say. If she says, "I'm hurting," say, "Yes, I understand, honey." She doesn't want solutions. She just wants to hear, "I'm here for you, I appreciate what you're doing, you're so strong, I love you, and I'm not going anywhere."
4. Be Her Advocate
Even though you may not understand the pain of childbirth, you know your wife better than anyone else in the room. So, when she can't speak for herself, you should be her voice.
For example, if she says, "I feel like pushing right now," and the nurse says, "It's not time yet," you can respectfully say, "Doctor/Nurse, my wife says she wants to push." Don't be afraid to go beyond hospital rules, ask questions, and make requests. Sometimes, your one look can save her life. One father stopped his wife from giving her an allergy shot when he saw it.
5. Don't Take It Personally
Your wife may ignore you because of the pain, act like she doesn't want to be around you, and even speak harshly. Don't take any of it personally. It's not her, it's the pain that's talking. You don't want to get angry and leave. No matter what, she needs you. Maybe all she needs is for you to hold her hand and be close to her without saying anything. Your calm, loving presence is the greatest gift she can give.
| The role of the husband | What to do? |
|---|---|
| Preparation | Read books about childbirth, go to classes. Talk to your wife about her expectations. |
| Providing relief | Giving water, food. Giving massages. Making them listen to music. Helping them change positions. |
| Not being a "Fixer" | Instead of giving solutions, listen to her. Encourage her by saying, "I'm with you." |
| Being her voice | When she has difficulty speaking, speak on her behalf to the medical staff. Present her requests. |
| Not taking it personally | Don't let the pain get to your heart's content with what she says or does. Stay by her side, unwavering. |
Who is a "doula"?
You may not have heard of the word "doula." It's a Greek word that means "female helper." Simply put, a doula is someone who is trained to provide emotional and physical support to a mother during childbirth. They don't provide medical care like doctors or midwives, but they do provide support to the mother and her husband throughout the entire birth process.
Even scientific studies have shown that when you have the support of a doula ,
- The time it takes to give birth is shortened by about 25%.
- The number of requests for things like epidurals to reduce pain is reduced by 60%.
- The likelihood of resorting to cesarean sections is reduced by 50%.
This is because the fear and anxiety a mother feels when she is alone increases the production of stress hormones such as epinephrine and norepinephrine. These hormones can weaken or stop uterine contractions. But when there is someone to support the mother, the confidence and calmness she feels makes childbirth easier.
Having a doula is also a great relief for the husband. Because then the husband does not have to be a "Coach". While the doula suggests the necessary relief methods for the mother, the husband can hold his beloved wife's hand, give her love, and be close to her. Although this concept is not yet very popular in Sri Lanka, it is very common in foreign countries.
Take-Home Message
- Not only your wife, but you too, should be well prepared for childbirth. Be aware of this.
- Your role is not to be a "coach", but to be a loving "helper".
- Listen to him rather than looking for solutions. Being by his side is his greatest strength.
- If he is unable to speak due to pain, be his voice and speak to the medical staff.
- Don't let the pain get in the way of what he says and does. Your peace of mind is the most important thing to him. It's your responsibility to make this the best day of both of your lives.
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