When the doctor told you that your child has ADHD, or Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder , did you ever think, "Is this my fault? Is this because I didn't raise my child properly?" If you feel that way, you're not alone. Like most people in society, many parents think that this is their fault. But let me tell you, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault.
What exactly is ADHD?
Simply put, ADHD is a condition that is caused by certain changes in brain function and development. While scientists are still not 100% sure why it happens, they do know of a number of factors that can contribute to it. The important thing is that many of these factors are beyond the control of parents.
For example:
- Genetic influence (Genes): If someone in the family has ADHD, there is a higher chance that a child will also develop it.
- Brain structure and chemicals: The structure of some parts of the brain of children with ADHD and the functioning of chemicals (neurotransmitters) that carry messages between nerves are slightly different from those of a normal child.
- Effects during pregnancy: The mother's use of alcohol, smoking, or exposure to certain toxins during pregnancy.
- Low birth weight : Babies born prematurely or with very low birth weight are at risk.
Now you may be thinking, "So isn't the home environment important?" It really is. If the home environment is chaotic and stressful, it can increase your child's symptoms. Also, if the home environment is calm and orderly, it can be a great help for the child to manage their condition. But remember, even if the home environment affects symptoms, it does not cause ADHD. This condition did not develop because you let your child watch TV, play video games, become more strict, or discipline less.
Just like if a person with diabetes eats a lot of sugar, the disease will worsen, but eating sugar does not cause diabetes. It's the same with this. The home environment is a help in controlling the symptoms, not a cause of the disease.
Why then do parents hear so much blame?
There are several reasons for this. One is that it has become common in our society for others to criticize the way we raise children. It is difficult to find a mother or father who has not received advice such as "Oh, don't be so harsh," "Be a little strict," "You need to feed this," "You need to put it to sleep like this." So when it is learned that a child has a condition like ADHD, this criticism increases even more.
The other thing is, sometimes there are things that come out as research reports. You've seen them in newspapers and websites, and they go into great detail, saying, "A recent study found that parental indiscipline is the cause of ADHD." But when you actually look into that research, there are many weaknesses in it. Maybe that research was done by asking parents about their behavior. So it's impossible to say how accurate those answers are. But headlines like this spread a misconception in society.
How do you deal with unwanted criticism and advice?
When you have a child with special needs like ADHD, you may be faced with unwanted advice and criticism from relatives, friends, and even strangers. Here are some things to help you cope with this:
- Be careful who you share your feelings with: Don't share your worries and problems with everyone. If you do, you may get "constructive criticism" from them rather than comfort. Talk about these things only with someone you trust to truly understand you.
- Stop the conversation right away: If someone starts criticizing you for the way you're raising your child, calmly but firmly say, " We're happy with the way we're doing things, and thank you for your input. " That usually ends the conversation.
- Protect your child: Never talk about your child's ADHD or the challenges it poses in front of them. Also, if going to a house or party where you are constantly criticized would hurt your child's feelings, avoid such places as much as possible.
- Talk about science: If you really want to educate someone, tell them that ADHD is a condition that has well-established scientific evidence and is caused by changes in the brain.
How can you as a parent help your child?
Even if your child's ADHD isn't caused by your parenting style, your role in helping your child succeed in their daily lives is crucial. You can ask your child's care team or ADHD-related organizations about training programs specifically for parents. At the same time, it's important to create a supportive home environment for your child.
Let's see from the table below what practical things can be done for that.
| Action | Description and importance |
|---|---|
| Create a consistent routine | Establish fixed times and routines for things like mealtime, homework time, playtime, and bedtime. This gives the child a clear idea of what's coming next, and it's easier to stay focused. |
| Set clear rules and boundaries | Explain the rules of the house to your child in a very simple and clear manner. Always enforce those rules in the same way. Don't be one way today and another way tomorrow. Consistency is very important. |
| Use a timer. | Set a timer for things like homework, finishing up games, getting ready, etc. This is a great way to manage your time. It also helps you switch from one task to another. |
| Create a quiet place | Create a quiet place at home where your child can calm down and relax. This should not be their bedroom or a time-out spot. Create a separate area with something like a small chair or bean bag. |
| Keep the house tidy. | Keep your home as tidy as possible. Make sure your child has designated areas for their toys and books, and put them back in their proper places after they're used. A cluttered environment can distract your child even more. |
Finally, remember, you are your child's best role model. The more you try to stay calm and positive, the easier it will be for both of you to face the challenges that come with ADHD together.
Take-Home Message
- ADHD is not a disease caused by parental mistakes. It is a condition caused by changes in brain function.
- Your home environment may influence your child's symptoms, but it is not the cause of the disease.
- Don't be hurt by unnecessary criticism and advice. It's up to you and your doctor to do what's right for your child.
- Creating a consistent routine, clear rules, and an organized environment can go a long way toward helping a child with ADHD succeed.
- If you have any further questions about this, don't be shy and talk openly with your child's doctor.
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