How have you felt when someone said to you, "What's wrong, calm down," "Be positive," or "Everything will be fine," when you were going through a difficult time, sadness, or a problem? Sometimes, instead of healing us, those words hurt us even more. It makes us feel like no one understands our pain and suffering . That's what we call ' toxic positivity.' This is a really important topic. Let's talk about this in more depth.
What exactly is Toxic Positivity?
Simply put, Toxic Positivity is the process of trying to be positive and happy in any difficult or sad situation, by denying those feelings. It means labeling emotions like sadness, anger, and fear as 'bad', suppressing them, and trying to show only 'good' emotions. We do this to ourselves, as well as to others.
Let's listen to Hannah Olivas' story to understand this. In 2017, when Hannah was 42 years old, doctors diagnosed her with multiple myeloma , a type of blood cancer. When Hannah learned that this was an incurable disease, she was initially very angry, and then she felt incredibly scared. One doctor told her she had about a year to live. Another said she had about 5 years. Another said she couldn't say anything about it.
Imagine what it must have felt like at a time like that. But some of Hannah's friends said the most amazing things. "You're going to be okay!", "You can get through this!", "You're so strong!" They were all saying things like that. Even though Hannah knew they were trying to help, the constant "forced support" she heard made it impossible for her to talk about her true feelings .
Hannah says, "I thought, 'Wait a minute. I don't have a single ounce of positivity in me right now. I'm so angry and sad. I have every right to be that way.'"
Toxic Positivity is the act of simplifying a complex issue and trying to forcefully attribute a positive aspect to it, regardless of the actual situation.
Why does this 'good intention' sometimes turn into poison?
According to psychotherapist Whitney Goodman, even if someone has good intentions, Toxic Positivity results in "a constant pressure to be happy or to pursue happiness , no matter the situation."
1. Suppressing emotions
We all feel emotions like sadness, anger, fear, and frustration. These are a normal part of our lives. But toxic positivity causes us to suppress these feelings, thinking they are 'wrong.' But suppressing them doesn't make them go away. As Goodman says, "Those suppressed emotions come out in other areas of your life, sometimes in a more severe way." For example, you might experience sleep problems, changes in your eating habits, or changes in your mood .
2. Feeling lonely (Isolation)
If your friend always expects you to see only the good in you, you may stop talking to them about your true feelings because you're afraid they'll judge you or stop talking to you. This will only make you feel even more alone. This can make both the person helping you and the person receiving help feel lonely.
3. Feeling guilty
When everyone tells you to "be positive," but you can't, you can start to feel guilty about yourself. You start to think, "Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I be happy?" This only increases your stress levels .
So how do we respond to this properly?
Even with good intentions, we probably say things like this sometimes. The most important thing is to listen to someone's pain and allow them to feel it. Look at this table.
| How to pronounce Toxic Positivity (toxic) | How to really help (compassionately) |
|---|---|
| "Don't cry, be strong." | "It's okay to cry. Just let out what's on your mind. I'm here." |
| "Be positive! Everything will be fine." | "I understand that this is a very difficult time for you. How can I help you?" |
| "It was meant to be. Everything happens for the best." | "I'm sorry that happened to you. If you want to talk about it, I'll listen." |
| "Look at the others, they have more problems." | "Your pain is valid. You don't need to compare it to other people's problems. Your feelings matter." |
Be careful with your language.
When someone tells you their problem, listen to them instead of trying to solve it. Ask questions. Asking questions like, "How are you feeling?" or "What can I do for you?" will let them know that you respect their feelings.
Get used to living with uncomfortable feelings.
Accept that it's normal for others to feel sadness and pain, just like we do. If someone cries in front of you, don't be upset. It's a sign that they trust you. Even being quiet with them in that moment can be a big help.
Using a truthful statement like, "I'm having a hard time right now, but I hope this moment passes soon," is healthier than fooling yourself by saying, "It's okay, that's how it is."
Going back to Hannah's story, she later began to teach her friends about Toxic Positivity in a very gentle way. "I learned to use my voice and speak up for myself," she says. Her advice is, "Be with someone, be real, and ask questions."
"I don't think people do Toxic Positivity on purpose . I think they don't know. Their brains are wired to say what they think is right. But if they really listen to us when we talk, instead of trying to give us an answer, that would be great," says Hannah.
If you're feeling this way, don't be afraid to talk about it. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or your doctor . Mental health is just as important as physical health .
Take-Home Message
- It's a myth that we should always be happy. There is room in our lives for all kinds of emotions, from sadness to anger to fear. It's normal to feel them.
- Don't try to suppress your own or others' sad feelings with phrases like "positive vibes only." That will do more harm than good.
- The best way to help someone in trouble is to listen carefully and respect their feelings rather than offering solutions. Saying, "I'm with you" is worth a thousand words of advice.
- If you too are having trouble keeping your emotions in check, talk to someone you trust about it. If necessary, don't hesitate to seek advice from a doctor or mental health professional.
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