We all imagine that pregnancy is a beautiful, happy time. You probably have an image in your mind of a mother who is radiant and happy as her belly grows, without any worries, fears, or doubts. Maybe you actually know someone like that. But the truth can be much different.
To be honest, pregnancy is a roller coaster ride. No matter how much you and your husband have been waiting for this baby, you may experience a range of emotions during this time. At one point you may feel very happy, while at another you may feel sad, scared, or angry. A thousand questions may come to mind about the baby's health, the changes in your body, what will happen to your relationships, and whether I will be a good mother.
Why is this happening to me? Is this my fault?
You may be thinking, "I've been waiting so long for this baby to arrive, so why am I feeling this way?" It's completely normal. According to experts, it's because you're about to face the biggest change of your life.
"Becoming a mother is a huge, lifelong transformation that can never be reversed. So when you're going through such a big change in your life, it's surprising that you don't feel a little bit of fear, anxiety, and doubt about it," says a mental health expert.
But the sad thing is, we don't talk to anyone about these feelings. Many people think it's wrong to feel these things, that I'm the only one who feels this way, that there's something wrong with me.
"When you look at magazines that sell baby stuff, there are so many beautiful, happy pregnant mothers. They're decorating their baby's room beautifully. We look at that and think, 'Why can't I be the only one happy like this?'"
Especially for women who have waited a long time to have a child , or who have had previous miscarriages, these feelings can come with a lot of guilt. They think, "I don't even have the right to think this." So they don't tell anyone about it.
But take a deep breath and calm down. These feelings don't mean you don't love your baby or that you won't be a good mother. In fact, some experts say that couples who are completely unafraid and unsure are the ones they worry about the most. It shows that they don't really understand the big change that's coming.
Are hormones solely responsible for this?
Some men find it hard to understand their wives at this time. One man said: "It's amazing how quickly her emotions change. I call her before I get home from work and ask, 'How was your day? Are you tired? Did the baby cry?' and she's very affectionate. But ten minutes later, when I get home, she's in a completely different mood. Sometimes I just peek my head out the door to see how things are going."
So are hormones to blame for all this? Not really. Doctors say that some women are affected by changes in hormone levels, while others are not. And there are many other factors that can cause mood swings, not just hormones.
Even physical discomforts like morning sickness, breast pain, and constipation can make you feel sad and anxious. When your body is not happy, your mind will not feel happy.
"I tell my patients up front, 'Look, you're not going to feel the same way during pregnancy as you did before. So you and your husband need to understand that the way you react to the same things may be different this time around.'" - Professor Frank Lin (obstetrician and gynecologist).
So if you're having a hard time fighting these feelings alone, the best thing to do is share them with someone.
How do you deal with these feelings?
Don't carry the burdens that come to your mind alone during this time. Here are some ways that can help you.
| Helpful method | What happens to it? |
|---|---|
| Talking to your partner, friends, or family | Share your fears, doubts, and worries. It's a great relief to talk to someone who can just listen without giving solutions. |
| Talking to other expectant mothers | When you talk to people who have had similar experiences, you'll realize, "This isn't just for me." Instead of asking, "How are you?", ask deeper questions like, "What did you feel when the baby kicked?" |
| Writing a diary | Writing down your feelings can be very liberating and can also help you understand your emotional patterns. |
| Reading books about pregnancy | You can gain great insight by reading books that are not only about physical changes, but also about mental changes. |
| Talking to your doctor | If you feel overwhelmed by stress, talk to your doctor about it. Seek counseling if necessary. |
Love, anger and everything in between
Sometimes, while you may feel a great deal of love for your baby, you may also feel sad and angry about the loss of your freedom. It's normal to feel like you'll never be able to spend your time alone again, the way you want.
This feeling is especially felt by women who are working and have successful careers, because they are more aware of the sacrifices they have to make for a child . Along with these feelings comes a sense of guilt, "Why can't I be completely happy?"
A good exercise for this is to make lists:
- "The things I love most in my life"
- "The things I'm most afraid of losing"
- "New things I get"
- "Things I don't mind losing"
By looking at these lists, you can find ways to continue doing the things you love, and be happy with the new things you have. The most important thing is to forgive yourself. Think, "Okay, I feel a little bit of a letdown, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. What do I need to learn from this?"
Is everything different the second time around?
Even for someone who had a very happy first pregnancy, the second time around can be a completely different experience.
A mother was very happy when she was expecting her first child. But when she was expecting her second child, she felt very anxious. She vomited more, couldn't exercise as much as before, and was afraid that she wouldn't be able to bond with her second child as she had with her first.
"When the first baby was coming, there was a big void in our lives for that child. But by the second time, that void had been filled by our first child. Even though we wanted another child, all our attention, energy, and love had gone to the first child. So it felt hard to make room for the second."
This mother realized that beneath her anxiety was another sadness. The sadness that this might be her last pregnancy and the sadness that her relationship with her first child would change.
Now a mother of two, she says, "Sometimes I still feel like I don't give the second one enough attention. But I love him just as much. I realize now that he has to share me, but he doesn't get less from me. It's just a little more complicated to be his mother 100% now."
Take-Home Message
- It's completely normal to feel a variety of emotions during pregnancy, including happiness, sadness, fear, anger, and anxiety.
- Feeling these feelings doesn't mean you're a bad mother. It just means you're fully aware of the big change in your life that's about to happen.
- This is not just due to hormones. Physical discomfort and real-life problems also contribute to this.
- Don't fight these feelings alone. Talk to your partner, a trusted friend, a family member, or your doctor. Sharing can be a great relief.
- Be compassionate with yourself. Accept your feelings and be kind to yourself. This is a long journey, and not every step of the journey has to be perfect.
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