Do you remember when you got together for a family event, a birthday, or just a family gathering, and you had a disagreement with your own brother or sister over something trivial? Do you feel like you were a child and you feel like anger and resentment welling up inside? Maybe it was just a joke, or maybe it was a hurtful comment. Do you think this is just a problem for you? Not at all. This is something that happens in more families than you think.
Why does this competition/anger continue even after becoming adults?
The main reason for this is the care we received from our parents when we were young. Maybe you feel that your parents cared for and loved your other sibling more than you. It could be something that really happened, or it could be something you felt (perceived difference) . However, this feeling is the biggest cause of competition and anger between siblings. This is not limited to childhood. Some studies have found that these feelings are still present in people's minds even after they are 50 or 60 years old, and even after their parents have died.
As adults, there can be competition over things like "Who is more successful?" and "Who is happier?" These conflicts often come out in words. These can come out through things like sarcasm and putting the other person down.
When these things go beyond just friendly banter, it can have a big impact on someone's mental health. Especially if one person is willing to work through these issues, but the other person isn't ready to do so, the situation can get worse.
Some people end all contact with their siblings because of these issues. This doesn't all start suddenly, it has a history that goes back to childhood.
Why do childhood problems follow you into adulthood?
We don't choose our siblings. So it's normal to have conflicts when living together. Think about it, he takes one of your toys, he doesn't do what you want. It all starts with little things like this.
As humans, we often compare ourselves to those around us. Since we are closest to our siblings, we compare ourselves to them first. This is why we are unconsciously assigned different roles within the family . Imagine that in a house there is a naughty child and a very quiet child. The naughty child may think that the parents love the quiet child more. The quiet child may feel that he has to be confined to the frame of the "good child".
If you don't get a chance to get out of these frames, that anger and jealousy will start to fester in your mind over time. This is what later leads to fights, competition, and trying to outdo each other.
The longest relationship in your life: Brotherhood
You've probably spent the most time with your sibling in your life. Longer than friends, partners, or parents. That's why when we get together with our siblings, for example at a family event, we tend to fall back into old habits. It takes a little effort to break those patterns.
Okay, now let's start looking for solutions to this problem, shall we?
As adults, we can think and make decisions better than children. So we can try to resolve these decades-old conflicts . Here are some tips to help.
1. Try changing your mindset a little.
First, think about it from your brother's perspective. His experience may be very different from yours. You may not even remember the little incident that started the fight. But the negative feeling that arose from that incident is still there.
You're not the same person you were when you were a child. And accept that your sibling has changed. Look at him with new eyes. "Just as we build a friendship, we need to build a new relationship called siblinghood," psychologists say.
2. Let's talk calmly, without getting angry.
Communication is the key here. Be clear, but calm, about what you want from them and what is bothering you.
For example, you could use a sentence like this: "I want you to stop [doing this] because it makes me feel [like you don't trust me]." Or, "I want you to stop asking me questions about [this topic] because it makes me feel pressured."
As children, we can't control our anger. But as adults, we can. You can stop dwelling on old wounds and make decisions in the present.
| Things to do (Do's) | Don'ts |
|---|---|
| Listen: Try to understand the other person's point of view. Let them talk too. | Don't assume: Don't decide for yourself, "This is how he thinks." Ask him and find out. |
| Empathy: Think about how you would feel if you were in their shoes. | Don't "fix": Don't try to fix the problem by changing the other person. No one likes that. |
| Accept your part: There are two sides to every fight. Understand your mistakes. | Don't hold on to the past: Don't drag out old things like, "You were like this when you were younger." |
| Set boundaries: If there are topics you don't want to talk about, be clear about them. | Don't think it's a magic fix: This is a long-standing problem. It takes time and effort to resolve. |
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Sometimes, these relationships can be very abusive and traumatic . In such cases, it's better to establish healthy boundaries for both parties rather than trying to force a relationship.
If you've made sincere efforts to repair the relationship but it's not working, it's important to seek professional help. You can talk to your family doctor and, if necessary, refer you to someone like a counselor. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Take-Home Message
- Adult sibling conflict is common in many families. This is not just your family's fault.
- Try to live in the present rather than the past. You are both different now.
- Look at your sibling with new eyes. Try to understand his/her side.
- Express your needs and feelings clearly, but calmly, without getting angry.
- Building a relationship takes time and effort. It doesn't happen overnight.
- If these issues are too difficult to resolve on your own, don't hesitate to ask for help. Talk to your doctor and seek professional counseling if necessary.
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