Sonke sicinga ukuba ukukhulelwa lixesha elimnandi nelivuyisayo. Mhlawumbi unomfanekiso engqondweni yakho womama oqaqambileyo nowonwabileyo njengoko isisu sakhe sikhula, engenaxhala, uloyiko, okanye amathandabuzo. Mhlawumbi umazi ngokwenene umntu onjalo. Kodwa inyaniso inokwahluka kakhulu.
Inyaniso kukuba, ukukhulelwa kuhambo olunzima. Nokuba wena nomyeni wakho benilinde kangakanani lo mntwana, ninokuba neemvakalelo ezahlukeneyo ngeli xesha. Ngesinye isikhathi nisenokuziva nivuya kakhulu, ngelixa ngesinye ninokuvakalelwa nilusizi, nisoyika, okanye ninomsindo. Imibuzo eliwaka ingafika engqondweni malunga nempilo yomntwana, utshintsho emzimbeni wakho, oko kuza kwenzeka kubudlelwane benu, nokuba ndiza kuba ngumama olungileyo na.
Kutheni oku kusenzeka kum? Ingaba le yimpazamo yam?
Usenokuba ucinga, "Ndilinde ixesha elide kangaka ukuba lo mntwana afike, kutheni ke ndiziva ngolu hlobo?" Yinto eqhelekileyo ngokupheleleyo. Ngokutsho kweengcali, kungenxa yokuba uza kujongana notshintsho olukhulu ebomini bakho.
"Ukuba ngumama lutshintsho olukhulu, oluhlala ixesha elide olungenakuze lujikwe. Ngoko ke xa udlula kutshintsho olukhulu kangaka ebomini bakho, kuyamangalisa ukuba awuziva uloyiko, uxhalabile, kwaye ungaqinisekanga ngaloo nto," itsho ingcali yezempilo yengqondo .
Kodwa into ebuhlungu kukuba, asithethi namntu ngezi mvakalelo. Abantu abaninzi bacinga ukuba akulunganga ukuziva ezi zinto, ukuba ndim ndedwa ovakalelwa ngolu hlobo, ukuba kukho into engalunganga ngam.
"Xa ujonga iimagazini ezithengisa izinto zomntwana, kukho omama abaninzi abahle nabakhulelweyo abonwabileyo. Bahombisa igumbi lomntwana wabo kakuhle. Sijonga loo nto size sicinge, 'Kutheni ndingenakuba ndedwa ndonwabile ngolu hlobo?'"
Ingakumbi kubafazi abaye balinda ixesha elide ukuba babe nomntwana , okanye abaye baphunyelwa zizisu ngaphambili, ezi mvakalelo zinokuza nomvandedwa omkhulu. Bacinga, "Andinalo nelungelo lokucinga oku." Ngoko ke abaxeleli mntu ngaloo nto.
Kodwa phefumla nzulu uze uzole. Ezi mvakalelo azithethi ukuba awumthandi umntwana wakho okanye awuzukuba ngumama olungileyo. Enyanisweni, ezinye iingcali zithi izibini ezingoyikiyo kwaphela kwaye zingaqinisekanga zezona zixhalaba kakhulu ngazo. Oku kubonisa ukuba aziqondi kakuhle utshintsho olukhulu oluzayo.
Ngaba iihomoni zodwa ezibangela oku?
Amanye amadoda akufumanisa kunzima ukuqonda abafazi bawo ngeli xesha. Enye indoda yathi: "Kuyamangalisa indlela iimvakalelo zakhe ezitshintsha ngokukhawuleza ngayo. Ndimfowunela ngaphambi kokuba ndifike emsebenzini ndize ndibuze, 'Bekunjani ngosuku lwakho? Udiniwe? Ingaba umntwana ukhale?' kwaye unobubele kakhulu. Kodwa emva kwemizuzu elishumi, xa ndifika ekhaya, uvakalelwa ngendlela eyahlukileyo ngokupheleleyo. Ngamanye amaxesha ndijonga nje intloko yam emnyango ukuze ndibone ukuba izinto zihamba njani."
Ngaba ke ngoko iihomoni zinetyala kuyo yonke le nto? Akunjalo ngokwenene. Oogqirha bathi abanye abafazi bayachaphazeleka kukutshintsha kwamanqanaba eehomoni, ngoxa abanye bengachaphazeleki. Kwaye kukho nezinye izinto ezininzi ezinokubangela utshintsho lweemvakalelo, kungekuphela nje iihomoni.
Nokuba izinto ezibuhlungu emzimbeni ezifana nokurhawuzelelwa kusasa, iintlungu zamabele, kunye nokuqhinwa zinokukwenza uzive ulusizi kwaye uxhalabile. Xa umzimba wakho ungonwabanga, ingqondo yakho ayizukuziva ivuya.
"Ndixelela izigulane zam kwangaphambili, 'Khangela, awuyi kuziva ngendlela efanayo ngexesha lokukhulelwa njengangaphambili. Ngoko ke wena nomyeni wakho kufuneka niqonde ukuba indlela enisabela ngayo kwizinto ezifanayo isenokuhluka ngeli xesha.'" - UNjingalwazi uFrank Lin (ugqirha wezifo zabantwana kunye nogqirha wezifo zabesifazane).
Ngoko ke ukuba unengxaki yokulwa nezi mvakalelo wedwa, eyona nto ilungileyo onokuyenza kukwabelana ngazo nomnye umntu.
Uhlangabezana njani nezi mvakalelo?
Musa ukuthwala imithwalo efika engqondweni yakho wedwa ngeli xesha. Nazi ezinye iindlela ezinokukunceda.
| Indlela eluncedo | Kwenzeka ntoni kuyo? |
|---|---|
| Ukuthetha neqabane lakho, abahlobo, okanye usapho | Yabelana ngoloyiko lwakho, amathandabuzo, kunye namaxhala akho. Kuyintuthuzelo enkulu ukuthetha nomntu onokumamela nje ngaphandle kokunika izisombululo. |
| Ukuthetha nabanye oomama abakhulelweyo | Xa uthetha nabantu abaye baba namava afanayo, uya kuqonda ukuba, "Oku akuphelelanga kum kuphela." Endaweni yokubuza, "Unjani?", buza imibuzo enzulu efana nokuthi, "Uzive njani xa umntwana ekhaba?" |
| Ukubhala idayari | Ukubhala phantsi iimvakalelo zakho kunokukukhulula kakhulu kwaye kunokukunceda uqonde iindlela zakho zeemvakalelo. |
| Ukufunda iincwadi malunga nokukhulelwa | Ungafumana ulwazi olukhulu ngokufunda iincwadi ezibhalwe kungekuphela nje ngotshintsho lomzimba, kodwa nangotshintsho lwengqondo. |
| Ukuthetha nogqirha wakho | Ukuba uziva uxinezelekile, thetha nogqirha wakho ngaloo nto. Funa iingcebiso ukuba kuyimfuneko. |
Uthando, umsindo nayo yonke into ephakathi
Ngamanye amaxesha, nangona unokuziva umthanda kakhulu umntwana wakho, usenokuziva ulusizi kwaye unomsindo ngokulahlekelwa yinkululeko yakho. Kuqhelekile ukuziva ngathi awusoze ukwazi ukuchitha ixesha lakho wedwa kwakhona, ngendlela ofuna ngayo.
Olu luvo luvakalelwa ngakumbi ngabafazi abasebenzayo nabaphumeleleyo kwimisebenzi, kuba bayazi ngakumbi ngeminikelo abamele bayenze ngenxa yomntwana . Kunye nezi mvakalelo kuza ukuziva unetyala, "Kutheni ndingonwabi ngokupheleleyo?"
Indlela elungileyo yokwenza oku kukwenza uluhlu:
- "Izinto endizithanda kakhulu ebomini bam"
- "Izinto endizoyika kakhulu ukuzilahla"
- "Izinto ezintsha endizifumanayo"
- "Izinto endingazithandiyo ukuzilahla"
Ngokujonga ezi zintlu, ungafumana iindlela zokuqhubeka nokwenza izinto ozithandayo, kwaye wonwabe ngezinto ezintsha onazo. Eyona nto ibalulekileyo kukuzixolela. Cinga, "Kulungile, ndiziva ndidanile kancinci, kodwa andizukuzibetha. Yintoni ekufuneka ndiyifunde koku?"
Ingaba yonke into yahlukile kwisihlandlo sesibini?
Nokuba umntu okhulelwe okokuqala onwabileyo, okwesibini kunokuba ngamava ahluke ngokupheleleyo.
Umama wayevuya kakhulu xa wayekhulelwe umntwana wakhe wokuqala. Kodwa xa wayekhulelwe umntwana wakhe wesibini, wayexhalabile kakhulu. Wahlanza kakhulu, wayengakwazi ukuzilolonga njengangaphambili, kwaye wayesoyika ukuba akayi kukwazi ukusondelana nomntwana wakhe wesibini njengoko wayenjalo nomntwana wakhe wokuqala.
"Xa umntwana wokuqala wayezalwa, kwakukho isithuba esikhulu ebomini bethu kuloo mntwana. Kodwa okwesibini, eso sithuba sasivalwe ngumntwana wethu wokuqala. Nangona sasifuna omnye umntwana, yonke ingqalelo yethu, amandla, nothando lwethu lwaluye kumntwana wokuqala. Ngoko ke kwakunzima ukwenza indawo yomntwana wesibini."
Lo mama waqonda ukuba ngaphantsi koxinzelelo lwakhe kwakukho olunye usizi. Usizi lokuba oku kusenokuba kukukhulelwa kwakhe kokugqibela kunye nosizi lokuba ulwalamano lwakhe nomntwana wakhe wokuqala luya kutshintsha.
Ngoku ungumama wabantwana ababini, uthi, "Ngamanye amaxesha ndisaziva ngathi andimniki ngqalelo yaneleyo owesibini. Kodwa ndiyamthanda kakhulu. Ndiyaqonda ngoku ukuba kufuneka abelane nam, kodwa akafumani nzuzo ingako kum. Kunzima ngakumbi ukuba ngumama wakhe nge-100% ngoku."
Umyalezo Wokuya Ekhaya
- Kuqhelekile ukuba neemvakalelo ezahlukeneyo ngexesha lokukhulelwa, kuquka ulonwabo, usizi, uloyiko, umsindo kunye nexhala.
- Ukuva ezi mvakalelo akuthethi ukuba ungumama ombi, kodwa kuthetha ukuba uyazi ngokupheleleyo utshintsho olukhulu oluza kwenzeka ebomini bakho.
- Oku akubangelwa ziihormones kuphela. Ukungonwabi emzimbeni kunye neengxaki zobomi bokwenyani nazo zinegalelo koku.
- Musa ukulwa nezi mvakalelo wedwa. Thetha neqabane lakho, umhlobo othembekileyo, ilungu losapho, okanye ugqirha wakho. Ukwabelana ngezinto ezikuxhalabisayo kunokuba luncedo kakhulu.
- Yiba novelwano kuwe. Yamkela iimvakalelo zakho kwaye ube nobubele kuwe. Olu luhambo olude, kwaye ayilo lonke inyathelo lohambo ekufuneka libe ligqibelele.
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